On being a role model

It seems like a curious quirk of circumstances. The same genes that gave me a devastating lung disease have also apparently made me a role model, whether I like it or not. The wisdom of the disabled is some quasi-mythical mindset people seem to have- it's like Native American wisdom, but without the benefit of feathers you can incorporate into fashion spreads.

Quite frankly, this isn't a position I'm comfortable with. I don't see myself as a great dispensary of wisdom. I don't think I'm any more wise than a normal twenty year old (yes I do, but that's because I'm conceited). I'm a terrible role model, yet people have this expectation that I should be some holy grail standard to be held up to. I don't do motivational speeches. I have declined several times to print my thoughts in a CF newsletter. It's not my beat.

Children, don't try this at home. I won't deny my life has been hard, but I can't say that I've had the paths others have had. There have been many cystic fibrosis patients worse than myself. I was just upped from mild to moderate a few years ago. I've had relatively few hospitalizations in my life time. I no longer require PICC line treatment. If I actually bother to work out, I can get my lung function into the 80th percentile or beyond. At the same time, I am a deeply cynical person. I'm not always kind. I'm immensely envious. At the age of twenty, I do many things that good little girls and role models shouldn't do. In the past, I've cut myself, threatened suicide. I manipulate my illness to skip class sometimes. I don't feel like going- I'm not feeling well. I'm lazy, self-absorbant, and vindictive.

Am I really a role model? Do my genes require that I be something that I'm not? It's a conundrum, and one that I don't think I'll ever have the answer to. But I can assure you that I'm not a mystic. Please seek your answers from the more enlightened.