Good news... and break!

Honestly, I'm just lazy about writing at this point. But I have good news! I had a doctor's appointment on the morning of Christmas Eve. Obviously I wasn't too pleased about that, and it did sort of ruin that Christmas excitement for various reasons. But it turned out to be a good appointment. Even though I've gained weight (Oh god, must shed pounds...) my lung function went up. We had my glucose levels tested, and even though they're all out of whack, I don't have diabetes! I was pretty nervous about that, so it was a huge huge huge relief when they called later that day to tell me.

Too lazy, will write more later... that, and my life is boring.

Sexy Blue Catpeople- My Review of Avatar

Thank god Avatar is pretty, because I ended up feeling like that's all it had for it. It had so much potential to generate wonder and be a great movie, and it was squandered by clunky dialogue and a plot that was, quite frankly, horrible and heavy handed. The allegory for Native Americans versus white men was just painful to watch- it was as if James Cameron had just taken my 'intro to Native American religion' class, boiled it down to stereotypes, and decided to make the movie about everything Native Americans hate. The plot was predictable beyond that, and the lines were just painful to hear at times.

Oh yes, the planet design was beautiful, as were the creature designs, but don't think I don't have complaints about that either. The creature designers didn't seem able to make up their mind on whether or not Pandora had a six limbed or four limbed evolutionary scheme. It bothered me that it was so widely varied. They could have created more animal species too- should I really believe Pandora only has like seven species of animals, and the Na'vi?

Oh yes, and the Na'vi wear feathers in their hair- where the hell do they get the feathers? Only the rhino creatures had feathers, and it was established that it would be impossible to collect them- besides, those feathers were the wrong color and size. At no other point were creatures with feathers shown.

Honestly, I do think the movie is worth seeing for the visual effects, but don't get your hopes too far up for the greatest movie ever, or you'll be sorely disappointed.

Long Time No Update

Partially, I haven't updated because I had finals and school got extremely busy. Mostly though, I was just too lazy or didn't feel up to it. I really have no good excuse for the past few days, but at least I feel like sharing life right now. We have guests from Australia that came the morning after I got home from school, so it's been pretty hectic.

On the CF related front, things haven't been stellar. Part of it is that I haven't been exercising- I know I should, but it's just been so busy the past couple of weeks that I haven't found the time, and it was raining, and... Yes, plenty of excuses, I know. My pre-diabetes is acting way the hell up again as well, to the point where if I even eat a cookie I feel shaky. I'm concerned, but I don't want to deal with it right now- not during the holidays. The last thing I want is to have to spend hours in the doctor's office and find out that I can't have some cake on my birthday.

Endlessly Cheering

I honestly completely forgot about my addiction to National Geographic's WildCam Africa until today... and I am rehooked. From where I am in Los Angeles/Southern California, it's about a 23 hour time difference, so as I write this, preparing for bed, the day is dawning on the savannah. The birds are singing, and it sounds exquisitely different from what you experience here. Two impala are nibbling on a bush, and a baboon tribe are playing and fighting. Birds I can't identify are sunning themselves as a stork pokes around in the shallows. They keep a wary eye out for a croc, but it looks like it's all clear from here. On other days, I've seen elephants stopping for a drink, and the distinctive eye shine of lions at night.

When you stop and think about it, it is pretty damn amazing that I can be watching live footage from an African watering hole and grow sleepy to the sound of birds half a world away. These are places I can only dream of visiting one day, but for right now, I can feel like I'm there. I think this is especially valuable to those of us who can't travel so easily, due to CF or other chronic illnesses.

There are some other cameras as well, but none I watch quite so religiously as WildCam Africa. It must be the zoology nerd in me, but it's so fascinating. I can watch absolutely nothing happen on the camera for hours. Without much further ado...

http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/wildcamafrica/

I hope someone gets as much joy out of this as I do.

Paradise

It's so hard to remain depressed here in paradise. On a day like this, I can't help but realize that where I live, right now, is where I want to stay probably for the rest of my life. Right here, in this little area where the beach meets the restored ecological habitat. Red tailed hawk on my balcony and on the roof of my dorm building two days in a row makes me smile. An older man taking pictures of birds and telling me what they are, showing me pictures... how can you not smile? Especially when it's a horned lark, which is an adorable little bird. And his daughter, waiting for him, with an older beagle who jumps up on me and gives me kisses. It is paradise.

Crossroads

For the most part, I've loved having a single dorm room in college, but there are times when I wish I had someone to live with. It's getting to be that time of year when you determine where you'll live for the next school year. Last year it wasn't really an issue- I knew I was going to live on campus in my own room again. This year, however, is different. I don't /want/ to live on campus again. I feel like if I'm going to move on and live an adult life, I should make the transition to an apartment or a house, and live the 'real' life- or at least a softened, college version of it. This is a decision I think all of my friends who are living in the dorms a second year are making as well, and that's where the loneliness sets in. For them, the decision of who to live with and who to search for housing with is easy. They had roommates, and they'll keep the roommates they had. I'm also at the opposite end of the hall, so my friends who have doubles next to each other- easy, they'll just live with each other. They practically do already. But where does that leave me? Trying to find a single, studio style apartment is hard, and they're all extremely expensive. I don't want to share a room, because of my medical needs, so conceivably, I would have my own room, and two friends would share the other room, or one friend. But no one has asked.

In the roomie situation, I do often feel left out. People share secrets with their roomies, and exchange knowing glances. The friends who have doubles next to each other are always gathered in one room gossiping. At the other end of a (long) hall, I feel left out, and out of the loop. I know I'm speaking nonsense, but I just feel so damn lonely, and not as close to the other girls as I would want to be. My best friend here is currently in England, so I'm missing out on that person I could share secrets with and have as close to a roomie relationship as you can have, and my other good friend transferred schools. Am I just pathetic?

Epic Computer Failure

So my computer crashed pretty hardcore on Wednesday (right before I'm going to print out a rather important essay, of course). They initially thought it was a pretty simple problem, but I had to take it into the Apple Store none the less. I was getting stressed, because I have another rather large essay due on Monday I haven't even started that I intended to do Friday, the day of my appointment, but what can you do? My dad came down yesterday around eleven to help me deal with all this computer nonsense, since he knows slightly more than me about all this. It turned out to be very, very lucky he did.

I got into my appointment a little bit early- around noon. I left the appointment at seven.

... I have had better days.

In the end, it involved completely wiping my hard drive clean (I have an external, so the things I lost were mostly pretty minor), and reinstalling all my OS software. At least I got to upgrade to Snow Leopard? And at least... I don't know. I'm still far too tired and frazzled.

Happiness

There's a big meteor shower today. The problem is that it's at 1 AM, and there's no way I can stay up that late what with waking up for school and the cold and the meds always leaving me tired. Even though he knows there wont' be any meteors, my boyfriend has agreed to come with me to come look for them anyway, even though it's really cold out and it's not a short bike ride. :)

So

"Is your ebola better yet?"

Haha, I love my friends. And yes, my 'ebola' is slowwwllly getting better, but I am still going to give myself plenty of pity. I fell off my bike and my knee is all gross now, waahhh.

Otherwise though, I'm fine. I need to stop taking so many naps though. They always leave me feeling a bit like.... out of it.

My congestion needs to clear up so I can start exercising as well. That and my tired-ness. Though I have to say, I'm not really complaining about missing too much.

I had a lovely day on State Street on Saturday. I went by myself and I initially thought I was going to be lonely, but it was such a perfect day, and being right on the water just makes me feel so good (well, I'm right on the water on campus as well, but I was literally on a dock on the water... And thus it feels different). The water was so clear that I could see crabs in water one or two feet deep by the pier. I wanted to run in and grab one, but I thought my cold might not forgive me for that (and I was wearing a dress that I would rather not get covered in sea water).

Onto other matters of me being lazy... I need to start eating healthy again. I made this huge resolution to do, and it failed after about a week. A week is a week longer than usual, but still. There's so much good food that just goes straight to the hips and I'm stuck in this place of 'you only live once' and 'you want to look good'. Meanwhile, my male friends just shovel down tons of food and lose weight. I'm not sure how that works but it isn't fair at all. At least I can eat a somewhat more high calorie diet than my female friends... Not that it seems to stop any of us.

I'm also starting to get the holiday fever. Slowly but surely. I normally don't get it until after Thanksgiving, but it's been blaring Christmas EVERYWHERE and it's just impossible to ignore, unless you never go on the internet, watch TV, or leave your room. Sadly, I like to do all three of those things, so I'm trying to get used to the idea of it being close to that time of year again. I love the holidays, I really do... Just not this early. Maybe it's because I live in Santa Barbara, and it's hard to feel the holiday spirit when you can see the ocean and the sun is out and the weather is nice. It feels like permanent vacation here, and I love it.

In news I'm nervous about... I'm sending an application to the Ben Barnes modeling agency. I seriously doubt I'll get it, but on the same token, I'm still hopeful. Is it foolish? should I even bother? I don't know. Ugh, I need to make a decision, stat!

Getting better

I'm finally getting over this cold. All things considered, it wasn't a particularly bad one, and I don't think it's going to lead to a flare up of my CF, so I'm really grateful. I'm a bit more junky than usual, and I have congestion in my nose, but I can already feel those getting better. I did miss getting exercise, so it's going to be interesting to try and make up for five days of lost hard work, but I feel pretty confident that I can whip myself back into shape (provided that it doesn't rain like the weather man is saying it will!). Getting sick is always a tricky situation for a CFer, and always one that can cause worry and requires monitoring. To that end, I've been at home and not at college these past few weekdays, so I've missed two days of work (today being a holiday). I'm going to have to catch upon that as well, but my teachers have been very understanding about it, and I can hopefully go and talk to them about any work I've missed and what I can do to make up for it.

I never talk about non-CF related things here, do I? Well, little known fact, but I am an avid bookworm. I'm a speed reader as well, so I have a tendency to devour books. This is a good and a bad thing. I tend to go through books way too fast- I've apparently spent around seventy bucks on books at Borders alone since the start of the school year! Our UCSB library doesn't have a great fiction section, so I really should join the Santa Barbara public library, if I can. I know I"ll be begging for gift certificates to book stores this year for the holidays, but I don't know if I can hold out until December. Ahh! I've been slowly rereading various things I have in my library in the hopes that I can stave off the cravings for new literature for a while. I've also got a ton of reading to do this year in my classes, which helps... Though it's all rather dry and tends to put me to sleep more often than not.

I also need to pick up my camera from repair. Hopefully this is the last time I'll need to send it in, but the Rebel is getting old, as far as cameras go. The metal frames used to last forever, but apparently Canon really doesn't care anymore. I look at the quality of photos that my camera used to take when I first got it versus the quality of photos it takes now, and there's a world of difference. The colors are much more dull, the focus isn't as sharp... And I don't think that's my fault. Asking for a new camera for Christmas is a huge thing though, so I know that's something I would have to save up for on my own. I'm also not entirely sure I would want to give canon my money again, but I have the two Canon lenses, so it doesn't really make much sense to go for something other than it... Oh well. I'm sure my camera angst bores just about everyone.

I'm also saving up for riding lessons and joining the riding team this year, though knowing me, I'll blow all my money soon enough.

Hate Mail

No, not hate mail directed at me. This is hate mail directed towards everyone that has contributed towards making me sick for about the third time since I got back to school.

I know the cold season has been particularly vicious this year, and I know that it's not pleasant to miss class and fall behind. Here's the thing though- when you go to our crowded, six hundred plus person lectures, or smaller discussions, or smaller lectures, and you admit (proudly, perversely) that you have a cold or the flu and you're still dragging your ass over, it's not just yourself that's being affected. Furthermore, all the professors and TAs have put it out there numerous times that they're more than willing to help you catch up, just please DO NOT GO TO CLASS SICK. Because of your selfish actions, TAs have gotten sick, and so have other students. YOU'RE spreading the illness- probably some selfish person gave it to you. And for those of us who don't have healthy, strong immune systems, this is a big deal. I'm missing much more school than you are because you decided to pluck your sick ass down next to mine 30 minutes before lecture starts, so that I can't move and find a new seat next to someone who isn't hacking and sneezing on me. I don't want to have to ask you to move, but if this continues, I will DO it. I don't really understand my luck- how do I always get the person who is boasting to their friends that their flu is 'almost over' crowded in next to me ?

In conclusion, stay home, and fuck you.

<3>

Elizabeth

Nothing new

It was midterms week. I've been so busy with school that this has gone sorely neglected. Not dead though!

Lazy

I've been meaning to write a post about my first physical training session, but I've been way too lazy and busy with my midterms coming up in school. It went fairly well though, so I suppose that's the short of it.

Also, I got the swine flu shot, and the morning after just feels like a massive hang over. And I've never been hung over before. Still better than getting the swine flu, but warning for you all!

Cystic Fibrosis Walk

This Saturday is the cystic fibrosis walk in Santa Barbara, CA! I... I honestly don't know where exactly and what time it starts. I just know my mom is going, and as I live in Santa Barbara, she's trying to convince me that I should sacrifice sleep to go. I feel like an awful person for not going, but I get up at seven AM 4-5 days a week, so the days where I can sleep past seven feel pretty precious to me. She may yet guilt me into it, but I don't think so.

But if you're in the area and actually read this blog, I encourage you to go and show support! I went on one a few years ago and it was actually quite fun, and the weather should be super nice tomorrow. Santa Barbara is a really nice place to live, and I'm so grateful to go to school here. I just breathe so much easier in the sea air- my doctors were so excited for me when they found out I got to go here.

Also, I suppose I'll finally get around to writing that letter for my mom's CF newsletter about life in college and cystic fibrosis. I think after I've survived one year of it, I'm getting a better perspective about managing time and treatments. The first couple of weeks are really hard, but now it's gotten to the point where I can manage and not feel like tugging out my hair. Actually, I've been pretty damn cheerful lately. Yesterday I went frog hunting, and while I garnered a few stares, I didn't much care.

I feel like I always say this...

I'm starting personal training next week! Yes... I've said that about this week and last week, but I'm fairly certain it's for real this time. My parents just need to pay the fees and I can start. It's soaked in rain here, but I guess I can always work inside (boo). I'm not a fan of indoor exercising activities, unless it's too hot/too cold.

The equestrian club thing fell through- the fees were fairly astronomical, and we simply can't afford it at this time. I have to admit to being pretty depressed, but I'm determined to find some way to be around horses and exercise my passion. I just need to have less school work!

What?

I'm MRSA free? For the past two sputum tests?

I am so happy right now.

Biking

Given that it's been three weeks with only biking as my cardio, and before that, I wasn't doing any (yes, yes, yell at me please)... At least I'm getting better at biking to class. I like to go pretty fast, and the first two weeks were pretty brutal. But I can feel myself getting better at it, which is a really, really nice feeling to have.

That's all.

Considerably More Positive

So, I'm once again starting to eat healthier. I've been pretty good so far- lunch is the worst for me! I'm pretty picky, so if they don't have turkey meat for lunch, I can't have a sandwich, and I usually don't like the hot entree... so I typically have burgers and fries. But I try to balance it out with a healthy breakfast. Yogurt with some fresh granola and a power bar. Mmm. I also bought myself pears- delicious! And I try to at least have some salad for dinner, and eat healthier options to balance out the bad lunch. It's not great, but I'm getting there.

I also start with my personal trainer next week. I don't know how I'll fit it into my schedule, but I think I'll be able to manage somehow. I recognize the importance, so, to quote Zombieland, I will "nut up or shut up." I really want to bring my lung function up to where it used to be, and get in shape/tone up while doing it. I really like Jay, the trainer- I think she's going to make exercise finally enjoyable for me. And when she whups my ass into shape, I can move on to doing my own things, and it won't feel like such a drag.

I'm also trying to join the equestrian team. More for my mental sanity than anything else- horses are my 'therapy'. So... here's to trying to be positive?

Those days

Today was a hard day. Well, a hard week, rather. I have classes at nine AM, so I have to get up at seven to do all my medical stuff. I need to eat before I do my med stuff, or else I throw up.

But... the dining commons don't open until 7:15, at which point, I wouldn't have time to eat breakfast and do my med stuff. So eating breakfast gets shafted. Clearly I need some breakfast materials, because I had a fairly epic hypoglycemic "attack", or whatever you want to call it. I thought I was going to faint, but luckily, I seem fairly resistant to that. I also barely had the energy to get to class- I was huffing and puffing and it was not a happy feeling.

So now I'm reading Gives Me Hope and getting all unnecessarily emotional, and really wishing I had something of the soft and fuzzy variety to help me de-stress. I feel like college isn't worth it for me sometimes- it's now more than ever that I feel different from the other kids, and unable to avoid that fact any longer. I just want to get the extra sleep and have the extra time and be able to go out at night and have fun without worrying about treatments and vitamins and feeling worn out from meds.

God, I am a whiney bitch. I should feel lucky that I'm this healthy, but I'm comparing myself to people I have no basis of comparison on.

Religion

Cystic fibrosis and religion. Religion is always a delicate subject under any circumstances, but I guess I've grown frustrated enough with constant facebook Bible quoting that it's sort of metastasized in this angry half rant.

I suppose I feel like I stand alone in being a cystic fibrosis patient that sees no need for religion in my life. I've tried to join groups, but I can't jive with people who seem to advocate prayer over exercise and taking caring of yourself.

Perhaps part of it comes from my, quite frankly, analytical nature. I have always been a firm believer in biological causes over supernatural ones, and I doubt that will change. It probably comes with the territory of being a zoology major.

Another factor could be my overall health- I look at myself and I see that I am in a much, much better position than others my age, and others older than myself. Hell, I'm better off than some people younger than me. I've only recently been upgraded to 'moderate' cystic fibrosis, and I've only gone to the hospital twice during my life time. I do IV treatments only when I need them- not in a regular, yearly schedule. My lung function isn't great, but that's due solely to me being lazy.

I suppose it all boils down to... where can I discuss the scientific aspects of this, without having a God come into play?

I was kind of hoping I would get the flu so I could avoid school. Damn it.

I'm starting with a personal trainer as well. It won't be fun, but it's necessary.

New Doctors

So I went to a new doctor today, just to establish a doctor-patient relationship (God, not like that) closer to home. They gave me a free pen and for some reason I was absolutely thrilled.

Back to school

I move back in five days, and I have to say, I feel the anxiety mounting. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not anxious, but my body indicates otherwise. It's not so much the going back that bothers me- I have faith in my ability to make new friends, though I am rather upset that I won't have Julia and Matt and Chey (at least until December).

It's the time management that's difficult for me. Currently, I'm on a puffer form of albuterol, which in itself doesn't take more than a minute to set up and do, but it does need to be sanitized. On top of that, I have inhalant hypertonic saline (fifteen minutes), inhalant pulmozyme (7-10 minutes), inhalant Tobi (30 minutes). Plus ten minutes (I often cheat and do five) of soaking in a sterilizing solution for three of 'em, then the last one for another five minutes, plus rinsing. I alternate every other month Tobi with astronem, and while astronem only takes like five minutes, I have to do it three times a day and it's a huge pain in the ass.

So trying to juggle all of this and school is going to be interesting.

The First Post

I'm not entirely sure how long I'll stay with this blogging business and how much I'll share it, but for the moment, it's an interesting way for me to get things off my chest.

I suppose an introduction is in order, though I doubt that anyone who doesn't know me would be reading this.

I'm Elizabeth, and currently a student at University of California, Santa Barbara. I would be your typical 19 year old, but there are factors in my life that swing things out of the norm. At the age of eighteen months, I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a genetic disorder in which mucus builds up in your lungs- particularly the small air ways. In addition, it effects my pancreas, making it impossible for me to produce the digestive juices I need to absorb nutrients without special enzyme pills.

Without proper medical chest therapy and inhalant medications, the mucus would build up in my air ways and eventually my lungs would fail. Even with them, the expected life expectancy of a CF patient remains only around 45 years old.

In more related health problems, I have pre-diabetes (a type related to cystic fibrosis). I'll likely have full diabetes within a year, but right now I'm thankful to have that small bit of health left to me.

I'll tell more later- this all makes me rather glum.